1 00:00:08,919 --> 00:00:11,149 I bet you're wondering what we've been up to. 2 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:13,918 Well, in some ways things are not much different 3 00:00:13,919 --> 00:00:15,400 than they ever were. Lads! 4 00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:18,599 That's not very civic minded. 5 00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:21,800 Have a little pride in your city. 6 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:23,639 You baldy pricks. 7 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:28,479 In other ways. 8 00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,679 And I'll do my best not to exaggerate, but things 9 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,040 are completely fucking mental. 10 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,750 Ah Conor will you pull yourself together, boi, seriously. 11 00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,279 Why are Jock and me dressed as two gorgeous beours? 12 00:00:44,839 --> 00:00:46,199 Let me explain. 13 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,399 You may recall that Jock got arrested in a Colombian airport 14 00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:52,530 because the South American Garda didn't like his dress sense. 15 00:00:52,531 --> 00:00:55,918 It turns out Colombian prisons aren't as nice as they make 16 00:00:55,919 --> 00:00:57,119 out in prison brochures. 17 00:00:59,879 --> 00:01:03,238 But after four years of being kicked in the ball 23 hours a day, 18 00:01:03,239 --> 00:01:06,129 Jock managed to swing himself a job in the prison kitchen. 19 00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:08,199 And that's where his luck changed. 20 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:11,399 Jock had a natural flair for making impermiders. 21 00:01:11,400 --> 00:01:14,598 Impnoted- im-pahomas, whatever the fuck they're called. 22 00:01:14,599 --> 00:01:16,919 And the whole prison ended up loving him. 23 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,800 And Jock's luck didn't end there. 24 00:01:19,959 --> 00:01:22,519 The prison guards all got stoned one day and well, 25 00:01:23,559 --> 00:01:24,919 they left the gate open. 26 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:28,039 Jock didn't realise that he only had three days left 27 00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:29,300 in his five year sentence. 28 00:01:30,279 --> 00:01:32,680 Jock always was a lucky bastard. 29 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,278 Well, that is apart from the 23 hours a day 30 00:01:35,279 --> 00:01:36,439 being kicked in the balls. 31 00:01:36,440 --> 00:01:39,638 And his dead mam and his alcoholic prick of an old fella. 32 00:01:39,639 --> 00:01:42,318 But apart from that, Jock is pretty much the luckiest 33 00:01:42,319 --> 00:01:43,400 fella in the universe. 34 00:01:43,401 --> 00:01:46,719 As soon as he was in the clear, Jock did the one thing 35 00:01:46,720 --> 00:01:47,919 any sane man would do. 36 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,120 He found the barbers and got himself a normal bazaar. 37 00:01:51,121 --> 00:01:54,198 After that, Jock trekked his way through the Columbian jungle 38 00:01:54,199 --> 00:01:57,199 for three long days. 39 00:01:57,200 --> 00:02:00,598 Until he realised he'd been going around in circles. 40 00:02:00,599 --> 00:02:03,069 And the prison was only 20 minutes from the coast. 41 00:02:03,599 --> 00:02:04,800 When he got to the port. 42 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:07,279 He stowed away on a ship heading to Ireland. 43 00:02:08,639 --> 00:02:10,679 On the boat, Jock met another stowaway 44 00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,679 who agreed to let Jock borrow his phone in return for something 45 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,480 that Jock never wants to speak about ever again. 46 00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:24,480 I was at home making myself useful when I got a call. 47 00:02:24,599 --> 00:02:27,319 (PHONE VIBRATES) 48 00:02:28,959 --> 00:02:32,639 Con, Con, Con. Boi, it's Jock. Jock. 49 00:02:32,959 --> 00:02:35,119 Listen boy, I'm after escaping, okay? 50 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,598 I'm somewhere along the like Colombian Irish Sea or something. 51 00:02:37,599 --> 00:02:39,680 Okay, but you have to meet me on the coast. 52 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:43,150 So I dropped what I was doing and legged it to the coast. 53 00:02:45,559 --> 00:02:47,800 I was sitting around waiting there all day. 54 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,440 No sign of Jock. 55 00:02:53,639 --> 00:02:55,319 Not there, there. 56 00:02:55,720 --> 00:02:57,080 But then... Jock? 57 00:02:57,559 --> 00:02:59,079 Jock! Alright boy! 58 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,279 There he was. 59 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,958 His swimming had gotten much better. 60 00:03:03,959 --> 00:03:06,518 He must have been getting lessons in the Colombian jail. 61 00:03:06,519 --> 00:03:07,680 Jock. 62 00:03:08,279 --> 00:03:09,559 I missed you, boy. 63 00:03:09,760 --> 00:03:11,999 I missed you! Me and Jock are hard men. 64 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,479 So we don't show too much emotion. 65 00:03:13,480 --> 00:03:16,318 You look incredible, boy you haven't aged a day. 66 00:03:16,319 --> 00:03:18,199 I got you a gift. 67 00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:22,189 Chips. Unreal. You know, we can actually... 68 00:03:22,559 --> 00:03:24,440 We actually get these in Centra now. 69 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:28,439 Yeah, as if boy. Boy, did you swim all the way here? 70 00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,079 No boy, got a lift. Got lift? 71 00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:32,039 And no one saw me boy! (titter) 72 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:33,958 Did you jump off the boat you little shit? 73 00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,279 Is that for you? 74 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:39,120 Gowan-gowan! 75 00:03:39,279 --> 00:03:40,959 (high tempo music plays) 76 00:03:56,959 --> 00:03:58,009 A bike- a bike! 77 00:03:58,519 --> 00:04:00,400 We're on the run- we're soaked. 78 00:04:00,401 --> 00:04:01,598 We need to get out of these clothes. 79 00:04:01,599 --> 00:04:04,360 Yeah, into what? Well... 80 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,680 No, I'm not..hardly. 81 00:04:07,839 --> 00:04:09,159 I think they went that way! 82 00:04:15,319 --> 00:04:17,479 Slow down, boy, my skirts riding up. 83 00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:19,440 Boy, we've no time for modesty now. 84 00:04:19,919 --> 00:04:22,838 When it comes to getaways on bicycles, myself and Jock 85 00:04:22,839 --> 00:04:24,559 are the undisputed experts. 86 00:04:25,639 --> 00:04:29,959 (grunting) Eh, we might be a bit rusty. 87 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,958 We're stuck, we're stuck, we're stuck. 88 00:04:31,959 --> 00:04:33,160 Come on. Get off. Get off. 89 00:04:33,959 --> 00:04:36,919 Right, we go over here and we figure out where the next... 90 00:04:39,559 --> 00:04:41,480 What's wrong with you? All right. 91 00:04:41,481 --> 00:04:42,759 What's wrong? Are you okay? 92 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:43,918 Yeah. Look at me. 93 00:04:43,919 --> 00:04:45,160 What's wrong with you? 94 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:49,119 Con... what? (cries) 95 00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,359 Ah Con, will you pull yourself together boy, crying away there. 96 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:53,638 Like, this is supposed to be the happiest day of our lives. 97 00:04:53,639 --> 00:04:55,518 Like, I'm back. I'm crying because it is 98 00:04:55,519 --> 00:04:57,440 the happiest day of my life. What? 99 00:04:57,599 --> 00:04:59,829 I think I'm just overwhelmed with emotions. 100 00:04:59,830 --> 00:05:03,119 My best friend in the whole world, 101 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:06,800 and I haven't seen you in years. But I missed you too, boy. 102 00:05:07,919 --> 00:05:09,909 Boy, you're my best friend in the world. 103 00:05:09,919 --> 00:05:11,599 I missed you like. 104 00:05:12,239 --> 00:05:16,439 Okay, here, now, we're gonna go back home into Cork now, 105 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:19,638 okay? And we're gonna show them that nothing, absolutely 106 00:05:19,639 --> 00:05:20,719 nothing has changed. 107 00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:23,760 Connor and Jock are back. Yes. 108 00:05:25,199 --> 00:05:26,559 Nothing has changed. 109 00:05:26,959 --> 00:05:29,759 I needed to tell Jock that lots of things have changed. 110 00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:33,479 The thing is, Jock, lots of things have changed. 111 00:05:33,480 --> 00:05:35,518 Boy, I'm not a bad boy anymore. 112 00:05:35,519 --> 00:05:37,680 I need to grow up and become a man. 113 00:05:38,239 --> 00:05:40,318 I've changed. You've changed? 114 00:05:40,319 --> 00:05:41,759 While I was in prison in Columbia. 115 00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,039 Do you not think I've changed? 116 00:05:43,040 --> 00:05:45,278 I learned that you can't trust anyone but yourself. 117 00:05:45,279 --> 00:05:47,989 And if you want to be rich and successful in this life, 118 00:05:47,990 --> 00:05:50,558 you've got to cheat and manipulate the system. 119 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,879 And I learnt a Spanish word for toilet paper. 120 00:05:53,120 --> 00:05:54,479 Oh ya? Prove it. 121 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,160 Papel higi�nico. 122 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,959 Spanish for toilet paper. Shit. 123 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:02,679 The only way for people like us to make it in this life, boy, 124 00:06:02,680 --> 00:06:04,879 is to be criminals, like we always were. 125 00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:07,039 Where's your sense of adventure gone? 126 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:09,919 You can't have a sense of adventure and be a grown up. 127 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,610 Everyone knows that. Well, who told you that, boy? 128 00:06:12,611 --> 00:06:14,238 Look I'm back now, all right? 129 00:06:14,239 --> 00:06:16,838 You just forget about everything and listen to me, okay? 130 00:06:16,839 --> 00:06:17,919 Well, you've changed. 131 00:06:18,599 --> 00:06:19,720 Exactly. 132 00:06:20,360 --> 00:06:22,120 Thank you. Shit. 133 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,279 No, like... agh! 134 00:06:25,959 --> 00:06:28,519 I have no idea where we are. Where are we? 135 00:06:32,519 --> 00:06:34,198 I don't think Cork is this way. 136 00:06:34,199 --> 00:06:36,198 You tell me, boy, you're supposed to be the grown up. 137 00:06:36,199 --> 00:06:37,318 I haven't got a clue, boy. 138 00:06:37,319 --> 00:06:39,598 Oh, yeah, this grown up thing's working out well for you, is it? 139 00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:40,649 Stop, alright. 140 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:44,010 Why don't we try that stupid looking house there? 141 00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:47,040 The roof of this house is mank. 142 00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:50,159 All right. Okay, let's do this. 143 00:06:50,160 --> 00:06:51,679 Wait, Jock. Jock, what are you doing? 144 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,760 What? Smashing the window in. 145 00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:57,079 Why don't we just knock on the door and see if they'll help us? 146 00:06:57,080 --> 00:06:59,878 What, yeah, just two fellas in dresses in the middle of nowhere 147 00:06:59,879 --> 00:07:02,160 knocking on the door. Yeah, good point. 148 00:07:03,040 --> 00:07:04,239 Wait, I've an idea. 149 00:07:08,879 --> 00:07:12,159 Just a couple of stags, at a stag do and we've got 150 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:13,198 split up from the other stags. 151 00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:15,719 All right, so I'm a stag? You're a stag, yeah. 152 00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:17,530 All right. That's a really good idea. 153 00:07:17,599 --> 00:07:20,599 (SHOUTING AND CLATTERING) 154 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,480 Mouths on them. 155 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,760 Actually get your point across without using so much profanity. 156 00:07:26,761 --> 00:07:29,399 (SHOUTING AND CLATTER) What the fuck is profanity? 157 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,239 It's a posh word for swearing. 158 00:07:31,559 --> 00:07:32,919 Right. Oh, my God. 159 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,800 (KNOCKING) 160 00:07:38,599 --> 00:07:41,879 Ah, hello, ladies. 161 00:07:43,000 --> 00:07:45,279 What are you doing around these parts? 162 00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,518 We're not actually ladies. 163 00:07:47,519 --> 00:07:49,400 We're just two fellas in dresses. 164 00:07:50,839 --> 00:07:52,919 Nile's on him messing with you. 165 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:55,890 Sure, we could see that. You're fellas all along. 166 00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:57,959 The Ronnies are a dead giveaway. 167 00:07:58,400 --> 00:08:01,879 Have you looked at yourself in the mirror recently? (GIGGLE) 168 00:08:02,040 --> 00:08:04,039 We're on a stag. Yeah, my stag. 169 00:08:04,040 --> 00:08:05,879 This one. The old ball and chain. 170 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:09,440 Oh. And where's the rest of your stag party? 171 00:08:10,319 --> 00:08:12,959 Yeah, we'll have to actually get spit up from them. 172 00:08:13,199 --> 00:08:15,039 It's a nightmare. So it's just us. 173 00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,610 Yeah. Where are they actually? 174 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:19,839 Diego and Juan. 175 00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:24,598 I'm Diego. Right, so that makes me ...Juan. 176 00:08:24,599 --> 00:08:26,039 Juan. Juan. 177 00:08:26,040 --> 00:08:27,279 Juan. All right. 178 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:31,679 Could we use your phone by any chance, just to get a lift 179 00:08:31,680 --> 00:08:33,719 and then we'll be out of your hair? Of course. 180 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:35,919 Lads, come on in. Come on. 181 00:08:36,319 --> 00:08:38,160 Thank you so much. Thank you. 182 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,479 What, Diego and what? Wine? 183 00:08:42,480 --> 00:08:44,039 Yeah. Boy, we've used fake names. 184 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,680 We've been chased by the guards. 185 00:08:45,681 --> 00:08:48,518 Yeah, they're the first names that came into my head. 186 00:08:48,519 --> 00:08:50,239 I don't know my name. Juan. 187 00:08:50,480 --> 00:08:51,680 Wine. Juan. 188 00:08:51,839 --> 00:08:53,839 It's Colombian, is it? Yeah. 189 00:08:55,519 --> 00:09:00,080 Ah, come in, come in, come in. 190 00:09:00,639 --> 00:09:02,080 You're very welcome. 191 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:03,719 You're very welcome. 192 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:05,278 Sorry about the mess. 193 00:09:05,279 --> 00:09:09,040 We were just spring cleaning. Spring cleaning. 194 00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:12,318 Juan and Diego. 195 00:09:12,319 --> 00:09:17,119 Yeah. They're a queer couple of odd names for fellas from Cork. 196 00:09:17,120 --> 00:09:19,039 Aren't they? Yes Deirdre. 197 00:09:19,040 --> 00:09:23,079 Deirdre is the name of a priest's housekeeper who was let go and 198 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,479 smells of wet coats. Says Niall. 199 00:09:25,480 --> 00:09:28,318 That's just Neil spelled wrong. Wagon. 200 00:09:28,319 --> 00:09:29,369 Wanker. 201 00:09:31,199 --> 00:09:35,719 My dad was a big fan of Diego Maradona. 202 00:09:35,720 --> 00:09:36,838 Oh. You know him? 203 00:09:36,839 --> 00:09:39,878 Guy that had all the hair, so he called me Diego after him. 204 00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:40,999 Yeah, yeah. 205 00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:50,120 And my dad was a big fan of numbers, so he named me One. 206 00:09:52,279 --> 00:09:55,039 So if you have a phone, we could use a phone. 207 00:09:55,040 --> 00:09:57,559 And then we'd be gone. Of course. 208 00:09:57,959 --> 00:10:00,999 I think it might have been misplaced in all 209 00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,318 the spring cleaning. 210 00:10:02,319 --> 00:10:03,918 I told you, Deirdre, didn't I? 211 00:10:03,919 --> 00:10:06,919 That today wasn't the day for spring cleaning. 212 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:10,159 Well, we wouldn't have to spring clean if you weren't such 213 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:13,559 a revolting pig, would we, Niall? Shut up. 214 00:10:14,639 --> 00:10:16,639 (DRY CHUCKLE) 215 00:10:16,760 --> 00:10:21,558 So who is the lucky lady then? Yeah, sure. 216 00:10:21,559 --> 00:10:25,400 It's this beour. Linda Walsh is her name. 217 00:10:26,599 --> 00:10:29,009 She's actually a childhood sweetheart of mine. 218 00:10:29,959 --> 00:10:32,919 So we're getting married and it's quite beautiful. 219 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:35,318 So now we're hoping to start a family. 220 00:10:35,319 --> 00:10:39,480 And she's actually off the pill, so I'm just going 90. 221 00:10:39,879 --> 00:10:42,958 So Linda Walsh is going to become Linda McSweeney. 222 00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:44,009 Yeah, that's right. 223 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:47,679 Oh, Juan and Linda McSweeney. 224 00:10:47,680 --> 00:10:49,000 Isn't that sweet? 225 00:10:49,319 --> 00:10:52,839 It is. Very sweet. Bit weird. 226 00:10:54,680 --> 00:10:56,279 Where are my manners? 227 00:10:56,839 --> 00:11:00,040 Why don't I fetch us some tea and cake to celebrate? 228 00:11:00,599 --> 00:11:04,479 Niall, why don't you and Diego find the phone 229 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:08,440 and Juan and I will put the kettle on the phone. Come on. 230 00:11:08,760 --> 00:11:10,199 Come on. Right, okay. 231 00:11:10,599 --> 00:11:13,239 Come on. This way. 232 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,599 I always keep the delf handy in case we have visitors, 233 00:11:18,919 --> 00:11:20,839 but we never do. I don't know why. 234 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,958 Yeah, it's weird that, isn't it? Come here. 235 00:11:23,959 --> 00:11:25,198 Come here. Why? 236 00:11:25,199 --> 00:11:26,279 You're not going... 237 00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:28,690 Just come here. Sit down. 238 00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:34,839 Tell me this. 239 00:11:35,559 --> 00:11:38,679 What? Is Juan a good friend of yours? 240 00:11:38,680 --> 00:11:39,918 Yeah, he's my best friend. 241 00:11:39,919 --> 00:11:42,759 Well, then it is your duty to stop him. 242 00:11:42,760 --> 00:11:44,320 You mustn't let him get married. 243 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:50,160 So, Juan, you think you're ready to get married? 244 00:11:51,519 --> 00:11:53,278 Yes, 100%. 245 00:11:53,279 --> 00:11:55,839 And you're sure this Linda's the one? 246 00:11:56,639 --> 00:11:58,879 No, I'm Juan. Juan. 247 00:11:59,839 --> 00:12:01,919 He thinks he's been like a grown up. 248 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:05,878 What do you think? No, I think he should be a bad boy. 249 00:12:05,879 --> 00:12:07,759 Like you? Yeah, like me, yeah. 250 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:12,319 Believe it or not. I used to be a bad boy. 251 00:12:13,680 --> 00:12:14,730 Are you sure? 252 00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:16,480 Do you love her? 253 00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:18,160 Is she the one? 254 00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:22,160 As sure as I am Juan. She is the one. 255 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,440 Well, as long as you're sure. Are you sure? 256 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:33,279 I settled down and let a woman clip my wings. 257 00:12:34,400 --> 00:12:36,390 Is that what you want to happen to Juan? 258 00:12:36,959 --> 00:12:38,279 No. 259 00:12:38,959 --> 00:12:40,079 No, definitely not. 260 00:12:40,080 --> 00:12:41,130 I'll drink to that. 261 00:12:43,919 --> 00:12:45,239 Where'd you get that from? 262 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,518 If you are going to settle down with someone, let me give 263 00:12:48,519 --> 00:12:49,599 you a piece of advice. 264 00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:52,639 Make sure you have plenty in common. 265 00:12:52,879 --> 00:12:54,638 Lots of shared interests. 266 00:12:54,639 --> 00:12:56,958 You and Niall have a lot of shared interests? 267 00:12:56,959 --> 00:12:58,879 None whatsoever. 268 00:12:59,519 --> 00:13:02,319 That's why our marriage is a living purgatory. 269 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,359 Well, that and the fact he thinks it's common to 270 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,530 wash his hands after going to the bathroom. 271 00:13:10,879 --> 00:13:12,919 Well, some people just grow apart. 272 00:13:13,559 --> 00:13:15,429 Everyone has to grow up at some point. 273 00:13:15,959 --> 00:13:17,009 Exactly. 274 00:13:17,879 --> 00:13:22,760 CHEERFUL: Ah! Tea time! We made a pot lads. 275 00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,239 Oh, we've got the cans. 276 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:28,239 (LAUGHS) Cheers! 277 00:13:28,559 --> 00:13:29,839 Hmm. What? 278 00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:31,440 Did you find the phone? 279 00:13:31,839 --> 00:13:34,800 No, I've been having the bit of craic with Diego. 280 00:13:34,801 --> 00:13:38,039 And you don't think you could have had the craic and looked 281 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:39,558 for the phone? Ah, jeez. 282 00:13:39,559 --> 00:13:40,999 Boy, you stop your nagging, you. 283 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,278 I'm not nagging, okay? 284 00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:44,918 Oh, no, it does sound a little bit like nagging. 285 00:13:44,919 --> 00:13:46,159 Who rattled your cage? 286 00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:47,918 Keep your nose out of their business. 287 00:13:47,919 --> 00:13:52,080 I'll tell you who rattled my pissing cage! 288 00:13:52,559 --> 00:13:54,080 You bloody did. 289 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:58,400 That's because I'm the only one in this relationship with any 290 00:13:58,559 --> 00:14:00,000 sense of responsibility. 291 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,160 Sound familiar? 292 00:14:02,279 --> 00:14:06,359 The only thing you're responsible for is dragging me down 293 00:14:06,360 --> 00:14:10,278 to your boring level. Oh, sound familiar? 294 00:14:10,279 --> 00:14:14,079 I'm the only one in this relationship that wants 295 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,159 to keep it on track! 296 00:14:15,160 --> 00:14:18,439 I mean, you don't even want to have sex with me anymore. 297 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:21,039 Sound familiar? Wait, no, not... 298 00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:24,360 Not that one. Deirdre, I'm 76! 299 00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:28,878 I don't want to have sex with anyone anymore. 300 00:14:28,879 --> 00:14:31,838 Well, now would you please stop nagging me? 301 00:14:31,839 --> 00:14:34,918 Listen, boy, all right? I don't nag you. 302 00:14:34,919 --> 00:14:37,479 Ah, boy, that's all you do. Listen to yourself. 303 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:38,518 Or you can't. 304 00:14:38,519 --> 00:14:40,838 You can't be a grown up and have a sense of adventure. 305 00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,439 What's that? That's nagging, boy. 306 00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:44,440 It is time you grew up. 307 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,638 I feel like I don't even know who you are anymore, Jock. 308 00:14:47,639 --> 00:14:50,799 Look at us! On the run from the guards again! 309 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:52,159 Stop. With these two strangers 310 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,518 wearing dresses. Jock? 311 00:14:53,519 --> 00:14:55,000 On the run from the guards? 312 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:56,170 Shit. 313 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:57,999 Juan just called you Jock. 314 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,999 No. You going senile? Oh, he definitely did. God! 315 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,719 Shit, Connor! Look what you've done. 316 00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:04,160 Connor? What the... 317 00:15:04,959 --> 00:15:08,319 Gah-God. Jesus Christ. What's going on here? 318 00:15:08,639 --> 00:15:11,999 So if you're on the run from the guards and you're in our 319 00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:15,360 house, does that make us hostages? 320 00:15:15,361 --> 00:15:16,799 Can I make something very clear? 321 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,719 Right, no one here is being kept as a hostage. 322 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:21,000 Isn't that right, Jock? 323 00:15:23,199 --> 00:15:24,919 (GRUNTING) 324 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:27,919 A bit of peace and quiet. Oh, Jock. 325 00:15:28,400 --> 00:15:29,919 What have you done, boy? 326 00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,999 What? What am I after doing? I'm looking after Jock. 327 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,050 Okay? Sorry. 328 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,598 How exactly? 329 00:15:35,599 --> 00:15:37,638 Because now we have two hostages. 330 00:15:37,639 --> 00:15:40,159 Boy, we-we used to be fun petty criminals. 331 00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:41,198 Oh, you want a bike? Yeah. 332 00:15:41,199 --> 00:15:42,679 We'll rob a little bike. You want some jellies? 333 00:15:42,680 --> 00:15:44,558 We don't have enough money. We rob a few jellies. 334 00:15:44,559 --> 00:15:47,199 Alright, well now we've taken hostages. 335 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,359 Will you just relax, relax. Okay? 336 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:52,039 We're gonna find the phone, make a phone call and then 337 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:53,120 we're home and dry boy. 338 00:15:53,239 --> 00:15:56,598 Alright, we'll find the phone so in this absolute kip of a house. 339 00:15:56,599 --> 00:15:58,359 (GRUNTS) That's great. Easy peasy. 340 00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,080 (PHONE RINGS) 341 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,990 Well, I didn't know that was going to happen. 342 00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:05,119 Yes. Don't answer. 343 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,079 Don't answer, boy. 344 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,670 If they don't answer, they know something's wrong. 345 00:16:10,199 --> 00:16:12,639 Don't answer it. Ssh, ssh. 346 00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,720 OLD MAN VOICE: Hello? 347 00:16:15,319 --> 00:16:16,599 How are you Niall? 348 00:16:17,480 --> 00:16:19,950 Haven't seen two young fellas around, have you? 349 00:16:21,639 --> 00:16:23,598 No, no I haven't... What are you doing? 350 00:16:23,599 --> 00:16:26,599 ...seen two boys dressed as women on the run. 351 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,720 I'm cooking for my wife. 352 00:16:31,959 --> 00:16:34,039 Deirdre. Tell him you're bald. 353 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,319 I'm still bald. 354 00:16:35,879 --> 00:16:38,918 Okay, if you see any, would you just let us know? 355 00:16:38,919 --> 00:16:41,000 Yes. Have a good evening. Bye. 356 00:16:41,581 --> 00:16:44,439 That sounded nothing like him. 357 00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:45,958 That sounds like you, doesn't it? No, it didn't. 358 00:16:45,959 --> 00:16:48,279 Is it? IMPRESSION: Yes, come on in, boys. 359 00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:51,399 Who we calling? 360 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,558 Call Mairead, she'll know how to. What? 361 00:16:53,559 --> 00:16:55,160 No, I can't call Mairead, boy. 362 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:59,159 She'll kill us, boy. And then he'll arrest our corpses. 363 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:02,039 All right, Jock. Good point. Em, try the girls. 364 00:17:02,040 --> 00:17:04,278 You can't call Siobhan, obvies. Think boy, will you. 365 00:17:04,279 --> 00:17:05,638 I'll never get to see Star again. 366 00:17:05,639 --> 00:17:07,198 You're not making this easy. 367 00:17:07,199 --> 00:17:09,249 Well come up with someone good then, boy. 368 00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:12,050 Billy. 369 00:17:12,760 --> 00:17:14,638 What? Billy Murphy? Yeah. What? 370 00:17:14,639 --> 00:17:15,878 Absolute-are you joking by? 371 00:17:15,879 --> 00:17:16,918 No way. He's a psycho. 372 00:17:16,919 --> 00:17:18,729 And we don't have his number anyway. 373 00:17:18,839 --> 00:17:20,839 So, come on, think of someone else. 374 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:25,119 I actually have his number on me. How can you have it on you? 375 00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:26,440 You don't have any pockets. 376 00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:28,839 Billy Murphy, bff. 377 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,279 Is that permanent? 378 00:17:31,480 --> 00:17:32,530 Are you serious? 379 00:17:32,760 --> 00:17:35,160 You were gone for five years. Why bff? 380 00:17:35,161 --> 00:17:37,958 I tried to wait after you, but I didn't know what to do. 381 00:17:37,959 --> 00:17:39,518 Why are all his numbers crossed out? 382 00:17:39,519 --> 00:17:41,079 Because he kept losing his phone so 383 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,479 we had to get new numbers and 384 00:17:42,480 --> 00:17:44,799 he do it to me in my sleep with a tattoo gun. 385 00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,918 He meant well. He did that when you were sleeping? 386 00:17:46,919 --> 00:17:48,969 Yeah. Yeah, boy, he's not well in the head. 387 00:17:48,970 --> 00:17:50,838 Jeez, boy. Of course we're not ringing him. 388 00:17:50,839 --> 00:17:52,918 Absolute psychopath. Oh, he's the psycho, is he? 389 00:17:52,919 --> 00:17:54,079 Yes. Billy's the psycho? 390 00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:56,878 Well that's funny because you're the one who's back in Ireland. 391 00:17:56,879 --> 00:17:59,999 Only two minutes and we already have the guards chasing us and we 392 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:01,958 have two pensioners hostage. Oh, boy. 393 00:18:01,959 --> 00:18:03,719 Will you just relax, please? Relax. 394 00:18:03,720 --> 00:18:04,759 Five minutes. Just relax. 395 00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:05,999 How am I meant to relax? 396 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,558 I'm gonna end up back in prison and I'm probably gonna burn 397 00:18:08,559 --> 00:18:09,719 in hell because of you. 398 00:18:09,720 --> 00:18:11,759 Boy, you just nag, nag, nag.. I'm doing your head in. 399 00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,958 Do your head in, on your own, cause I'm out of here. 400 00:18:13,959 --> 00:18:15,759 Oh, I'm on my own now, am I? You're on my own. 401 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:17,278 Am I now, yeah? Yeah? Yeah. 402 00:18:17,279 --> 00:18:20,599 REPEATING: Yeah? Yeah. 403 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:23,838 I saw a thing on the Internet that said if you take a load 404 00:18:23,839 --> 00:18:27,679 of LSD, you can rewire your brain so any of the bad shit 405 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:30,750 that happened to you doesn't cause you to make bad decisions. 406 00:18:31,080 --> 00:18:32,760 Finally, a bit of peace. 407 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,519 I think it'll take all the LSD in Ireland to sort Jock out. 408 00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:38,319 (KNOCKING) 409 00:18:39,959 --> 00:18:41,040 It's the guards! 410 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,400 Come out with your hands up. 411 00:18:43,959 --> 00:18:46,760 We know you're in there. MUFFLED: It's the guard, boy. 412 00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:49,239 He got me... 413 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,440 (BANGING ON DOOR) 414 00:19:00,199 --> 00:19:02,760 NIALL IMPRESSION: Hello gaurd, how are you? 415 00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:06,719 Can you stop banging? 416 00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:11,199 I need to concentrate on cleaning my head. 417 00:19:11,599 --> 00:19:15,839 That's a pretty good impression. But it's not Niall, come out. 418 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,199 Put your hands up. 419 00:19:19,599 --> 00:19:21,099 NORMAL: If you don't back off! 420 00:19:21,199 --> 00:19:24,239 I got hostages in here and I'll kill them all! 421 00:19:25,680 --> 00:19:27,850 Hostages? I've never had hostages before. 422 00:19:27,951 --> 00:19:32,479 Hostages? I might have to phone Dublin about this. 423 00:19:32,480 --> 00:19:33,958 I'm not going back to Columbia. 424 00:19:33,959 --> 00:19:36,400 Think, think, think! 425 00:19:40,480 --> 00:19:42,239 Put that down- What are you doing? 426 00:19:44,879 --> 00:19:46,000 Just be quiet. 427 00:19:46,879 --> 00:19:48,259 I need to gather my thoughts. 428 00:19:53,919 --> 00:19:55,440 I don't have any thoughts. 429 00:19:55,919 --> 00:19:59,199 Do you have any ideas? MUFFLED: Let me go. 430 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,800 One at a time, please. One at a time. 431 00:20:03,639 --> 00:20:04,919 What are you saying? 432 00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:06,919 (MUFFLED DIALOGUE) 433 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,400 What? I said... 434 00:20:11,879 --> 00:20:14,079 Of course you don't know what I'm saying. 435 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,519 I've a gag in me mouth. Okay. 436 00:20:17,000 --> 00:20:18,198 Did you have any ideas? 437 00:20:18,199 --> 00:20:20,359 No, of course I haven't. Great, thanks. 438 00:20:20,360 --> 00:20:22,279 No, no, wait. 439 00:20:23,239 --> 00:20:26,189 I do have something to say. Yeah, we'll make it quick, okay? 440 00:20:27,080 --> 00:20:32,199 Just want to say that if all this goes bad. 441 00:20:34,199 --> 00:20:37,278 I love you, Niall. I mean, you're an 442 00:20:37,279 --> 00:20:41,198 annoying prick and you stink and you don't clean up after yourself 443 00:20:41,199 --> 00:20:42,838 and we don't have sex. 444 00:20:42,839 --> 00:20:46,199 But we've been through everything together. 445 00:20:47,319 --> 00:20:50,199 And somewhere along the line, we just lost our way. 446 00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:55,009 When we were young, it was just the two of us 447 00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,519 on a great big adventure together. 448 00:20:58,720 --> 00:21:01,279 Screw everyone else. It was just us. 449 00:21:02,559 --> 00:21:05,799 We were Butch Cassidy and Sundance, 450 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:08,480 Zig and Zag, Bitty and Miley. 451 00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:13,599 And I'm sure that that's still there. 452 00:21:14,080 --> 00:21:17,199 Underneath all the shite we've been through. 453 00:21:18,959 --> 00:21:22,400 It's always been just you and me, kid, against the world. 454 00:21:23,680 --> 00:21:24,959 And I love you. 455 00:21:27,639 --> 00:21:28,879 Oh, that was... 456 00:21:29,919 --> 00:21:31,789 That was really beautiful, Deirdre. 457 00:21:31,790 --> 00:21:34,238 It's almost like you could have been talking about 458 00:21:34,239 --> 00:21:37,039 me and Con there. I wasn't talking about you and Con. 459 00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:39,760 I was talking about myself and Niall. 460 00:21:43,519 --> 00:21:47,079 We might need backup... down at Deirdres. 461 00:21:47,080 --> 00:21:48,638 You know, we normally do. 462 00:21:48,639 --> 00:21:50,040 Deirdre's right, boy. 463 00:21:51,720 --> 00:21:53,400 I love you, Jock O'Keefe. 464 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:55,559 I love you, Conor McSweeney. 465 00:21:58,639 --> 00:21:59,919 Boy. 466 00:22:00,639 --> 00:22:01,839 Sorry. 467 00:22:02,559 --> 00:22:03,720 All good? 468 00:22:04,279 --> 00:22:05,609 You were right. All right? 469 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,239 I was right? You were right. 470 00:22:07,879 --> 00:22:09,039 Well, like, not. 471 00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:11,750 Not about kind of the hostages and lying to the guards 472 00:22:11,751 --> 00:22:14,119 or when you were gonna pick up the knife and stuff. 473 00:22:14,120 --> 00:22:15,958 You were wrong about all of that. Sorry. 474 00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:18,559 Just a bit angry from the PTSD in Columbia. 475 00:22:18,720 --> 00:22:21,679 That's alright. The rope kind of hurt my wrist. Sorry, boy. 476 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:25,318 It's okay. But you were right about me. 477 00:22:25,319 --> 00:22:28,559 Boy, I'm Connor McSweeney. 478 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,160 Conor of Conor and Jock. 479 00:22:32,879 --> 00:22:36,079 From now on, I'm gonna be a bad boy forever. 480 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,559 Yes, boy. Yes, boy! 481 00:22:40,879 --> 00:22:43,518 ? Bad boy. Bad boy. What you gonna do? 482 00:22:43,519 --> 00:22:45,639 ? What you gonna do when they come for you. 483 00:22:45,760 --> 00:22:48,080 (MUFFLED DIALOGUE) 484 00:22:48,559 --> 00:22:50,559 Why are you-What? What are you saying? 485 00:22:54,559 --> 00:23:00,039 I was saying, why am I the only one with a gag in me mouth? 486 00:23:00,040 --> 00:23:01,479 Oh, yeah, sorry. I was getting to you. 487 00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,918 Well, now that I've got your attention, I've got 488 00:23:03,919 --> 00:23:06,080 something to say. Huh? 489 00:23:06,639 --> 00:23:08,559 I love you too, Deirdre. 490 00:23:09,279 --> 00:23:13,120 And your little speech has given me a raging boner. 491 00:23:13,599 --> 00:23:15,319 Wow. 492 00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:18,080 We're not your enemies, boys. No. 493 00:23:18,239 --> 00:23:21,199 Who are the enemies around here? The guards. 494 00:23:21,519 --> 00:23:23,598 The guards. We hate them. 495 00:23:23,599 --> 00:23:27,000 We hate them. I despise them bastards. 496 00:23:27,279 --> 00:23:29,679 If you hate the guards as much as us. 497 00:23:29,680 --> 00:23:31,040 We do. We do. 498 00:23:31,519 --> 00:23:32,879 Maybe you could help us. 499 00:23:33,839 --> 00:23:35,838 We're surrounded by them, lads. 500 00:23:35,839 --> 00:23:40,720 We might be surrounded, but I have a plan. 501 00:23:42,080 --> 00:23:43,279 One, two, three. 502 00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,480 Niall, is that you! Of course it's me. 503 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:58,159 WHISPER: Have you got away from the hostage takers? 504 00:23:58,160 --> 00:23:59,679 Hostage takers? 505 00:23:59,680 --> 00:24:01,079 You idiots. 506 00:24:01,080 --> 00:24:03,439 There are no hostage takers here. 507 00:24:03,440 --> 00:24:05,800 That was just me doing a voice. 508 00:24:05,801 --> 00:24:08,119 There's no way that was you doing a voice. 509 00:24:08,120 --> 00:24:09,559 Of course it was. 510 00:24:11,000 --> 00:24:13,160 CORK TWANG: This is me doing it again now. 511 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,160 And this is my normal voice. 512 00:24:17,559 --> 00:24:19,959 And this is me doing the voice again. 513 00:24:20,599 --> 00:24:22,919 And this is me in my normal voice. 514 00:24:23,959 --> 00:24:26,360 Why were you wasting our time doing all that? 515 00:24:26,361 --> 00:24:27,799 If you're telling the truth, 516 00:24:27,800 --> 00:24:28,838 Can I just come in and have a look? 517 00:24:28,839 --> 00:24:33,159 No, no, no. I'm afraid Deirdre's in one of her moods. 518 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,720 Go, go, go, go, go, go. If I could just have a look. 519 00:24:35,879 --> 00:24:38,319 No, I'm afraid you can't. You know what? 520 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,318 I'll rip your head off and use it as a piss pot, 521 00:24:42,319 --> 00:24:44,519 you fat wanker. Go! 522 00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:46,959 (UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) 523 00:24:48,599 --> 00:24:50,839 Everyone knows you're an asshole. 524 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:52,479 Deirdre, stop that! 525 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:54,278 I will not stop it, you little arse. 526 00:24:54,279 --> 00:24:57,558 (SHOUTING AND CLATTERING) GAURD: Deirdre this energy 527 00:24:57,559 --> 00:25:00,279 was fine when you were a camogie player, but not now. 528 00:25:01,959 --> 00:25:03,559 It's gonna be a long run home. 529 00:25:03,800 --> 00:25:09,319 Yeah, we even know where we are running? 530 00:25:09,559 --> 00:25:10,680 South- Cork is south. 531 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,800 I'll get you- ya dirty... (CRASH) 532 00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:17,838 A fella I met in prison once told me that love makes you soft 533 00:25:17,839 --> 00:25:19,720 in the head and strong in the heart. 534 00:25:20,919 --> 00:25:23,000 If Niall and Deirdre, anything to go by. 535 00:25:23,480 --> 00:25:25,530 Love just makes you angry and pissed off. 536 00:25:26,279 --> 00:25:27,720 But maybe that's okay. 537 00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:29,838 If you can scream at each other, 538 00:25:29,839 --> 00:25:31,878 tie each other up and still run off 539 00:25:31,879 --> 00:25:34,760 into the sunset, you might just be soulmates. 540 00:25:34,919 --> 00:25:37,000 Either that or fucking psychopaths. 541 00:25:39,400 --> 00:25:40,480 Oh, no. 542 00:25:40,839 --> 00:25:42,919 (MOANING) 543 00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,199 Do you mind? 544 00:25:47,080 --> 00:25:48,919 We're getting our hole here. 545 00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,550 Can I just go for a wee before we go? 546 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:55,480 (EXCLAIMS) Yes, Jock, yes! You're home boy! 547 00:25:57,199 --> 00:25:59,480 Yes, boy! 548 00:25:59,639 --> 00:26:01,440 Home at last. 549 00:26:03,120 --> 00:26:06,040 You're back. I'm back, boy. 550 00:26:06,279 --> 00:26:08,599 (EXCITED EXCLAIMS) 551 00:26:11,319 --> 00:26:13,599 Let's show Cork what it was missing kid. 552 00:26:14,470 --> 00:26:18,799 What, you live here now? Yeah. Cause of Noel. 553 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,279 Noel? Who? Who's Noel, boy? My brother. 554 00:26:21,519 --> 00:26:23,000 You've a brother? 555 00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:24,879 You hide. 556 00:26:26,400 --> 00:26:29,039 Where the hell have you been? 557 00:26:29,040 --> 00:26:30,850 You're supposed to be babysitting. 558 00:26:31,040 --> 00:26:33,919 (EXCLAIM) Hi, how are you Mairead? 559 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,519 Jock! I got you these. Look. 560 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:41,120 Colombia. Good to see ya. 561 00:26:41,319 --> 00:26:43,839 You can get these in the Centra down the road. 562 00:26:44,879 --> 00:26:45,999 Really? We're late. 563 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:48,838 We gotta go. That's for making him cry. Oh, Jesus. 564 00:26:48,839 --> 00:26:50,598 That's for going to a Colombian prison. 565 00:26:50,599 --> 00:26:52,319 All right? Jesus. 566 00:26:52,639 --> 00:26:54,879 Psycho still is she? Nice dresses, lads. 567 00:27:01,160 --> 00:27:03,120 (BABY CRIES) 568 00:27:03,170 --> 00:27:07,720 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0